You’re probably wondering wtf I’m about to talk about with a title like that. I’m hoping by reading you’ll sort of understand why. I just wanted to come on here and have a rant about how bloody fricking amazing my friends and family are. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have such angels around me all the time.
If you follow me on any form of social media, I’m almost certain you’ll be able to tell what mood I’m in or what’s going on my life. I’m very open about my feelings and whats going on in my life and basically what you see is what you get. Theres no facade and I’d never post something really happy and positive if in reality I’m crying my eyes out or about to scream my lungs out in frustration. So far, this year has actually been good (better than last year) but quite confusing. There’s been a bunch of really positive happy things go on and also some bloody tough, frustrating and testing times (when is my life never on this up and down rollercoaster seriously). BUT yeah basically, it’s been confusing and I’ve felt quite out of my depth in some aspects which I cannot stand because I like to be in control of myself or situations as much as possible. (Doesn’t every1?)
I think as a result of these different situations – not gonna share on here; there’s some things you do and should keep close to your chest I think – I’ve just been in some weird place I’ve never been in before. Thankfully, I don’t feel like I’m falling down a slippery slope because I can still apply the amazing tools and tricks I gained from my CBT last year and I’m A LOT stronger than I was last year, but I’m not a superhuman. It doesn’t mean I don’t worry, get hurt, get angry, get scared or cry. Throughout this, my friends and family have taken the brunt of my rage, screaming phone-calls, tears and everything in-between. I swear on my life I just don’t know where they’ve come from. It’s like every single one has been put in my life to be this amazing guardian angel to help me through difficult times. And every single person brings something different to the table. After what felt like the most stressful day in years on Tuesday, I had people left, right and centre texting me, facetiming me, instagramming me, snapchatting me and giving me hugs at work to try and whack a smile back on my face.
I don’t know why and I’m not even a stressy person usually, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling. I got home and I could feel myself being quite snappy and blunt to people and I felt awful. I ran myself a bath and just burst into tears. I still had numerous amounts of people tryna make me feel better and bring me up to earth again. I had a 20 minute facetime with one of my girls and I cried the whole time I think. When I put my phone down I took the biggest deep breath and realised thats all I needed to do – cry. I hadn’t bottled it all up in the sense I didn’t tell anyone what was going on with me, because I did but its like it needed to physically be released out of me. It was the weirdest thing because after crying, I felt so serene and calm. Until I went to sleep I had people texting me telling me I’m an amazing person, mama, everything is going to be fine, how much they love me, how grateful they are to have ME, how in awe they are of how I cope with different things and so much more. It all sounds big headed but reading all of those things just made me cry with happiness! I wouldn’t say I’m egotistical at all but being reminded of what you have achieved and how loved you are just means the world, and does the world of good sometimes.
I can’t even really put into words how lucky I feel to have these people in my life. They know who they are and Jax and I are totally blessed. I know this is the path I chose when I chose to have a baby, but nobody expects or wants to be a single parent, and until you’ve walked in my shoes or the shoes of any other single parent I don’t think you can ever fully understand. I don’t feel negatively about it, and I’m not the sort of person who fishes for compliments or validation from people about my situation. Granted, I have loads of people constantly tell me how amazing I’m doing and how much they respect that but even now it shocks me when people tell me. It warms my heart and although I never set out to impress or make people think that, it’s so lovely that people even take the time to message me or talk to me about it. It’s funny because being a mum is my life, I never on purpose think “I need to do this so it looks like I’m a good mum or Jax needs to do this to look like an amazing child” – I just go with the flow and do. I find out what works and what doesn’t and learn from it. I believe everything happens for a reason and I would never change anything because I wouldn’t be where I am now and I wouldn’t have this absolutely amazing support network around me.
The reason I’ve titled this Peace Lily is because, if you’ve ever had a peace lily flower you’ll know; if you don’t water one for a few days, the leaves and flowers droop, may go brown, and you’re sitting there thinking “shit, another flower I can’t keep alive”. But as soon as you water that peace lily, within a matter of hours, those leaves and flowers have shot straight back up again and it looks like you’d just bought it. It’s the most amazing thing to see. You could leave it for days on end and once its had a bit of water, its back to being beautiful and standing proud. This is sort of how I see my special gang of friends and fam. Some days I might be down, upset, feeling shit. But as soon as they step in and reassure me and make me laugh and smile again (water) – I’m back on track. Probably a bit of a weird analogy but I’ve thought this for so long hahaha.
Apart from that Tuesday, I’ve had a brilliant week so far and my weekend should be amazeballs too! I’ve had some wicked positive news, invites to things, I’ve got some exciting things planned in the pipeline I’m feeling very determined about. We’re currently on our way/at Legoland whilst you’re reading this and I’ve ticked loads of things off my weekly chore list (this just feels amazin’). I’ve done things to eliminate negativity in my life and I’m actually so happy right now! Thank you so much to those people (online and off), you know who you are and I just love you with all my bones and heart and everything. Thank you waterers hahahah. You da best. Thank you for always making me smile.
Lots of love, J xxx
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