What does it feel like? Is it different from person to person? Or is it exactly the same? The proper definition is this: “Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connection or communication with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people. The causes of loneliness are varied and include social, mental, emotional, and physical factors.”
A lot has happened over the last (almost) year for me. So much has changed. When I think about this time last year, its hard to even imagine that was my life. Then I look at my life now and its such a huge contrast, it often generates different feelings and emotions on different days. Some days I’m happy, I try as hard as I can to trust the path, and I’m grateful for everything I do have. Other days I feel like I’m the loneliest person in the world. I feel sad, angry, jealous. It’s horrible.
To paint a brief picture, this time last year I was so so happy. I was physically healthy, I was busy every weekend I didn’t have Jax. Actually, even weekends I did have Jax we were going out for meals or having people over. I had my best friend there all the time, whether it was through the phone or physically next to me. I had a boyfriend too – nobody really knows this. I kept it a secret from my online world because I wanted to protect it as much as possible. I wanted to be sure of it and enjoy every moment. I was going to Canterbury most weekends. Jax and I could do whatever we wanted whenever. Money was good and we were comfortable and safe.
Fast forward to now and I don’t really have any of that. Since the crash we were in, I feel like everything has fallen apart. I guess a lot of me blames the crash; if that woman had kept her eyes on the road, surely my life would still be amazing and filled with happiness? Who knows. But its super hard not to blame that as the catalyst when I feel low.
Me and my best friend no longer speak – obviously I won’t go into why, but that in itself felt like losing a sister. Life has been really weird without her and I guess since then I’ve always searched for a ‘best friend’ in other people. Don’t get me wrong, I have a tonne of best friends and I love them all dearly. But she was literally there all the time. Always wanting to do things and go out, ringing, texting, facetiming, planning events and holidays. Made being lonely never an option if that makes sense?
Obviously my physical health isn’t great which you know if you follow me on social, has had a negative effect on me. My mental health has deteriorated too – which you know. My boyfriend and I went through a lot, and I’m thankful for his patience, post-crash. Just as our relationship was really picking up and heading somewhere, I’m in a crash and I can’t do anything except lay in bed or on the sofa. Constantly crying in pain. Dosed up on meds and constantly tired. I’ve hated every second of being stuck in the house, but not being able to go out and do things with my boyfriend made it even harder. I felt so guilty and felt like we weren’t doing anything with our time. As my mental health got worse over the next few months, it put more of a strain on me and my side of the relationship. We weren’t really seeing each other anymore, (although when we did it was amazing) but it felt tainted almost. I felt like I couldn’t give him what someone in a relationship deserves. To put it bluntly, I felt too fucked up in my head. How could I give somebody 100% if I wasn’t 100% okay and well myself? It was a hard decision, but we broke up a couple of months ago. It’s been really weird since. We spoke alllll the time. He was also there, especially since my best friend and I stopped talking. I feel like my weekends are mostly empty now because before, I’d be seeing him. Some days I’m down about it and constantly think, have I made the right decision? Then other days I’m all girl power like yep, I’ve got this, I’m gonna get better, be better and have a better life than the last year.
But my god its hard. I find myself wanting to do so many things when Jax is at his dads. Do the things I can’t when I do have him. But its like I physically can’t. I can’t concentrate. My mind is constantly elsewhere and thinking “my god you’re so lonely. What is your life. You’re 24 and indoors with a cider on your own.” And that shit is hard. I look forward to the times Jax is with his dad. But when they come I hate and it can’t wait til he’s home. Then my primary thought is him; looking after him, playing with him, doing things together, talking, laughing, cuddles. No loneliness is present.
I feel like I’m constantly longing for what I refer to as my ‘old life’ back. I want to be able to go to the gym. I want to be comfortable money wise again. I want to eventually have a boyfriend and start my life with that guy with no interruptions. I want a bigger house. I want to be able to pick my child up without worrying about hurting myself. I want busy weekends again. I want memories again. I’m the worst person when it comes to feeling like I’ve wasted a day etc. And since September I feel like my life has been put on pause and its been such a ‘nothing’ year.
I know this is a very negative post, but its a Friday night, I’m home alone and I need to vent or I’ll feel like an even shittier piece of poo. I’m sure everything will work out how its meant to. I’m *trying* to be really proactive and keeping busy, but everyone has tough days don’t they? I don’t even know what I’m trying to achieve with this. I guess if anyone has any tips on combatting loneliness then let me know :D
I always live by the quote ‘Choose Happiness’ so I know thats what I need to do. If you have read this, thank you so much. Lots of love, Jeorgia xxx